Why Pineapple and Ham is the One True Pizza

I like Pineapple and Ham pizza (also known as Hawaiian). That is the One True Pizza and all others are abominations.

The Pineapple and Ham is the Pizza that the Invisible Pink Unicorn said that we should eat. It is not blasphemy to eat something else, because the IPU does not insist that you follow Her advice, but She does have sharp Hooves and has been known to trample people by "accident" (Her words, not mine), so my feeling is "better safe than trampled", if you know what I mean.

By the way, you may think that it would be easy to dodge and weave as it is well known that the IPU is not the most nimble supernatural deity to ever create a universe and populate it with fawning subjects, but your assessment neglects the fact that She is Invisible.

I know it's not OBVIOUS that She is invisible. That's rather the whole point, isn't it? Not being obvious, I mean.

Could this be a genuine Pink Hoof print? Scientists say no, but the Faithful believe none the less.

I digress. Though I digress with reason. I know that Her Holy Snortings do not specifically say that you will spend eternity crawling on your belly in the Mines of Misery if you don't eat the right pizza, but if you'd rather give up the chance to ride your very own Camel Beast and get to wave your Flaming Sword, then please, go ahead and have your Pepperoni and Onion. You may think you are oh so clever, but you are not fooling Her Holiness.

Pineapple and Ham is not just the Right Pizza. It is the pizza of Communion, of Oneness, of Sharing.

Note how the steam rises from the succulent ham, how the juice of the pineapple nestles in the folds of the melted cheese. Raise a slice from the plate and inhale its glorious vapors before gently nibbling at the edge to taste its wonder.

Warning: risk of burning. In most cases reported, the burns were mild and subjects reported that the taste was worth the discomfort. Some serious damage to the tongue and the roof of the mouth has been reported. Users should be very careful of hot cheese especially.

Thin Crust Vs. Thick

Her Holy Snortings unfortunately neglect to specify which style is preferred. As we have asked, and asked again and again for clarification and all we have ever had as answer is the sound of Inaudible Invisible Pink Hooves galloping away, the question remains unresolved.

I prefer thin crust. But then again, I prefer a mixture of the Holy Cheddar and the Holy Romano for the cheese. My wife is of the same persuasion, though our infidel son-in-law accuses us of insanity in this regard.

I personally do not think the IPU cares which we eat. She has specified Pineapple and Ham and if anything else were important, we would have had a complete, detailed recipe and we wouldn't have had the tragic War of the Cheeses and there is little doubt that the Toppings Insurrection and the terrible loss of lives that accompanied that never would have happened.

There is no point lamenting this. It would not be fair to blame Her Holiness either, and not just because you risk the Mines of Misery! As many scholars have written, it cannot be easy to write anything with Invisible Hooves. We are lucky to have the Instructions we have. They may be short, confusing and sometimes seemingly contradictory, but we are lucky to have them at all.

Imagine if She had just galloped off, waving her Magnificent Tail and had left us nothing?

A moral dilemma

We have friends coming tomorrow night. My wife, being a person who wishes to please others, has asked them for their preference in pizza.

I understand. It is their choice to ignore Her Pinkness. It is not for me to force them to grovel at Her Hooves. They can order whatever pizza they wish.

But is it too much to ask that we have a little extra Pineapple and Ham? I won't preach, I will say nothing of Camel Beasts and Flaming Swords, but is it so wrong for me to offer a slice of the One True Pizza?

Is it wrong to give them a chance at Eternal Bliss? If they refuse, so be it. But if I never offer, will I ride my Camel Beast with True Joy or will I think of them, clawing at the dark rocks in the Mines of Misery?

I say order an extra Pineapple and Ham. It can't hurt.

And pick up a six pack of Corona, too, would you mind? I'm sure there's something in the Snortings that favors that.