I was very disturbed this morning after answering a technical question. The person thanked me and added "May God bless you".
Of course they think they are being nice, but they are in fact putting my immortal soul in danger. Her Holy Pinkness is a jealous sort. If She should happen to be reading that exchange and notices that I did not respond with righteous and vicious anger, She might very well decide to punish me!
I do not want to spend eternity crawling on my belly in the dark Mines of Misery!
Could this be a genuine Pink Hoof print? Scientists say no, but the Faithful believe none the less.
This is MY soul at risk, buddy!
We who have partaken of the Holy Pineapple and Ham Pizza are not required to witness our faith to the unbelievers and the worshippers of false gods. Her Holy Pinkness made that very clear when Obazekial the Third asked her if he should force the captured Cantinites to bend their knees in obeisance to Her Pinkness and she famously quipped "Who cares?"
We are, however, required to defend our faith, or at least that is my understanding of the Holy Hoofmarks. Yes, I know the story of the Ten Commandments as well as anyone, but it is my belief that all translations are in error. I am not going to waste my time going into the details of the ancient language here, but I will remind you that writing in clay tablets with Invisible Pink Hooves is clumsy work and it is therefore all too easy to get the wrong idea.
I have prayed on this, and while I did not speak to Her Pinkness directly, I feel that She did enter my heart and confirm that I am right: she is a jealous god who expects us to defend her honor, especially in these days when the Christians seem to get all the attention with their "Jesus loves you" guff.
Her Holy Pinkness may not love you, but you had better believe that Her Holy Hooves are sharp and THAT matters.
I really don't want to get trampled into a pile of bloody meat because YOU want to go around saying "May God Bless you".
Misidentified as mammoth footprints, these are actually impressions of Her Holy Hooves from thousands of years before the Bible!
"Never too late" is a lie
The Christians have quite the racket, don't they? You can do whatever you want your entire life but as long as you get around to begging Jesus for forgiveness before you die, you are fine.
If only that were true.
First, there is no Jesus. Remember that King Whassisface asked Her Holy Pinkness about Jesus at the Day of Seventeenth Slaughter as the Christian hordes were about to over run his castle gates and he was thinking about a quick conversion. He asked her outright and she said "Who?" as quick as that and disappeared in a puff of invisible pink smoke. King Whassisface's trampled bones are on display in the Christian Church at Witemount, so I think that alone ought to make the truth plain.
The fact is, if you've been evading your loan shark for six weeks and he catches you sneaking out the back door of the pub, he's not going to buy the "Oh, I have been looking for you" excuse and Her Pinkness isn't going to buy any last minute conversions either. When you hear her Holy Hooves a-galloping, it's too damn late: you are heading for the Mines of Misery. That's right after your Holy trampling, of course.
Don't bless me
I have no intention of cringing on the ground trying to reason with a homicidal Invisible Pink Unicorn. Even if we didn't have the Holy Hoofmarks to tell us, I think it's easy enough to see how that story ends.
I really could not care less about converting you. Sure, if you come to my house, I will offer you a slice of Pineapple and Ham and if the subject of Pink Truthiness interests you, we can talk about it - unless my wife tells me to keep quiet, which she sometimes does. In that case, we'll have to talk later because while the IPU's Holy Hooves are sharp and merciless, I don't mess with the missus either. I'm sure you understand.
Generally speaking, Her Pinkness is there for anyone to not quite see, so if you choose to ignore Her, well, it's not my belly that will be scraped raw crawling through the Mines of Misery, is it? That's your problem.
So don't make sharp Hooves my problem. Don't be blabbering about your Jesus or Allah or whatever god-thing is in favor this millenium. That crazy talk can land me in big trouble, especially in these days of stupid laws where I can't draw my sword and cut off your lying head. You are putting MY afterlife in danger and it's not right.
Apologies to Her Pinkness
If this worm has misread your Holy words, take mercy on me. I tire of having false gods bandied in front of my weary eyes while most of the world treats You as a joke. I know this is probably another one of your Trials and I hope that I have not failed the test.
Pink Truthiness is the only true Truthiness. Pineapple and Ham is the One True Pizza. Her Holiness has spoken and we must obey.
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