As many knowledgeable people know, atheists are liars. We say that we aren't against your gods, but that isn't true. Obviously we DO worship devils and today I'd like to tell you how to plan a rip-roaring Dark Lord party that will have people talking about you for months!
If you've been to a party like this, you certainly know how much fun it can be. Playing rock and roll records backwards is only the beginning - a well planned party can draw people together and create lasting friendships.
If you are old fashioned, you might feel uncomfortable with my referring to this as a "party". Never fear, we'll be doing plenty of that REAL old time religion, but there is no reason we can't have a little fun, too.
So let's get the party going!
Invitations
Of course you'll be inviting all the local atheists and Wiccans. However, there's nothing like fresh new faces, especially at this sort of affair. Praying with the same boring old people is boring, so it's time to get some new atheists around the Pentagram!
Obviously you can't tell them it is Devil Worship. Technically, you could - there's nothing illegal about it, but it's bound to get the neighbors excited and you really don't want them showing up with pitchforks. So you have to be a little careful when approaching neighbors that you don't know well.
You can't say that you are having an Avon or Tupperware party either. As incredible as it sounds, some of your neighbors might actually want to show up for that.
One thing that has worked for us is to announce an "key swapping" party. This will cause some upset with the neighbors, but they won't show up with pitchforks and if they do show up for the expected hanky-panky, they'll probably be cool with the Devil Worship too, because obviously they are open and tolerant people. If they aren't into the Dark Lord and his minions, they won't say anything to the other neighbors because they'd have to admit they went to the key party. You are covered either way.
If you want, you can cap off the worship with a mini-orgy anyway. There really are no rules about that, unlike some of those stuffy church functions. So invite some new faces and have some fun!
But not too many - consider the Pentagram!
On the other hand, you don't want so many people that your guests cannot get a good view of the summoned demons. Imagine how upset people will be if the Dark Lord picks your party as one He will appear at and there's not enough room for everyone to be around the Pentagram at once.
I know many people will say that people can step back and let someone else have a turn. That's all very well with a minor demon who we have all seen a thousand times, but do you truly expect people to willingly give up their place if a major celebrity demon shows up? How much more difficult would it be if the Dark Lord Himself were in the Pentagram, snarling and strutting his stuff?
I know I wouldn't willingly give up my spot - would you?
There are other risks, too. In such circumstances, people without a clear view will naturally be jostling forward, trying to get a better vantage point. You certainly don't want a guest accidentally pushed inside the Pentagram. Trust me, it is very awkward explaining this to the police and you WILL have to explain it.
Speaking of accidents, now is certainly not the time to be cheap with the chalk. Remember, high quality blue chalk, double lines and visual inspection is what keeps the demons inside the Pentagram. They don't want to hurt you, but their nature is to pull people in and you can't change that. Keep the chalk solid and don't ask for trouble, my dear Grandmother would always say.
So, make out the guest list based on the size of the Pentagram you plan to draw.
Ventilation
It's easy to forget about sulfurous fumes, isn't it? It's also all to easy to overlook that a big Pentagram means more demons and more fumes. A window fan close to the Pentagram is very important.
Timing
Few demons will show up before Midnight. Some of the younger ones might come early on a lark, but they won't be very colorful at all and their snarls aren't awe inspiring. Some will let the worship go to their heads, too, and that's never fun to watch.
If I see a group of those young demons show up, I send them right back. There are plenty of fish in the sea and no shortage of demons in hell, Grandma always said.
Grandma always kept Holy Water on hand for them. She'd send them back politely once, but if they came back on the second Summoning, they'd get a nasty splashing for their impish behavior. You might want to keep some around yourself for that use.
Summoning
Speaking of summoning, I like the group chants. I think that hosts show-boating the summoning by themselves is quite rude. Let the group do the chants and cast the incense - the demons don't care about you anyway. They come for the worship and the off chance of fresh meat to tear asunder.
By the way, we are Reformed Atheists. No deliberate sacrifices at our parties!
What to do if the Dark Lord does show up
It is rare, but it does happen and it could happen at your party. Your guests will quite naturally be excited. The lesser demons will have vanished from the Pentagram to make room so there should be no problem seeing him. Don't worry, He will preen and turn in every direction so that everyone gets a good look - He's quite vain.
Yes, I have been fortunate enough to have been Visited. It was many years ago and it was only that once, but none of us who were there have ever forgotten.
This is exactly why we are atheists, isn't it? Do Christians ever get a Visitation? No, they do not. Case closed. Bell, book and candle be damned!
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