The Church of Fantome Scientists

The followers of the Church of Fantome Scientist are also known as the Shining Ones. This is because Gawd is Very Shiny and His followers constantly strive to be like Gawd by polishing their shoes, their jewelry, and even their own skin.

However, no matter how much they polish themselves, they will never be as Shiny as Gawd, and they will not be shiny enough to enter Heaven until they have renounced all earthly goods, placing said goods in the care of the atheists who are in charge of such things: the atheists have no need to be shiny, and thus can be soiled by the possession of worldly goods. Also, once we control the Guvmint, the atheists won't have to pay taxes, so it's easier for them to bear the responsibility.

All church functionaries and dignitaries are, of course, atheists. This is part of their incredible selflessness, their willingness to give up their own place in Heaven so that there will be room for others. Gawd appreciates their sacrifice, because it means less work for me (building Heavenly space is not easy. It took seven days to build this backwater orb called Earth, and it just about put me down for the count!).

Gawd himself does not believe in Gawds or Gods, because to do so would be hubris of the most extreme sort. Gawd recognizes that God is a dumb answer to any question, and that Gawd is an even dumber answer. This sounds like it might be one of the Mysteries, but it isn't, though the fact that it is not, is.

The Fantome Scientists, The Shiny Ones, Solving Tomorrow's Problems with Yesterday's Religious Thought, Someday.

Fantome not only died for your sins, but she gave up her place in Heaven for you (or somebody). Gawd loves the faithful, but He loves the faithless more, for the faithless require no Heavenly Real Estate.

Gawd also loves the IPU, even though She leaves Pink Shit all over His lawn. Gawd loves the followers of Her Holiness also, because the Pink Plains of Paradise are Her Problem, so more shoes covered with Pink Shit means less work for Gawd.

Gawd loves the Holy Pineapple and Ham, though He is also fond of Bertucci's Merengo. Unlike the Holy Ghost, Gawd has no strong feelings about beer, but does enjoy a J.D. or a Wild Turkey on the rocks now and then.

Gawd will not allow any other God before him, except the aforementioned Pink Unicorn and perhaps one or two others, but Gawd definitely does not cotton to that Jehovah guy and his Savior-on-a-Stick and will send all followers of that false prophet straight to the hell they deserve (Prizes are non-transferable. Winners may choose Eternity in the Mines of Misery as an alternate Damnation).

Gawd believes in Equality, Freedom, and Peace. Gawd dislikes professional sports, and especially can't stand professional sports newscasters. Gawd believes that Unix is the One True Operating System.

Gawd loves you all to pieces. Gawd loves you THIS much! Gawd gave you His Abstinent Lesbian for you to yell at, malign, hang on a cross, draw and quarter, trample and spit upon. Fantome was more than mildly inconvenienced for your sins! Saviour-on-a-Stick never had a hangnail for you, but Fantome did!