The Great Trolls

On matters of Religion, I am a liberal. I believe in Trolls, of course, for to do otherwise is to deny the evidence of our own senses: you may as well deny the very existence of the bridges under which the Great Trolls sleep.

But I do not subscribe to the fanatic beliefs concerning North Sleeping Trolls and South Sleeping Trolls. Trolls are quite invisible, as we all know, so who knows which way their Holy Beards are pointing? The Ancient Texts seem confused on this, sometimes seeming to be even contradictory. Perhaps Trolls do not care which way they sleep at all, but even if it is important, I am certain that no Troll would approve of the senseless bloodshed and horrible persecution that Northern Beards have suffered throughout history. The Ancient Texts tell us that the Great Trolls love all of us, and I simply cannot believe that having a different idea about the direction of their beards would change that. I am appalled and disgusted that such primitive religious thought exists in this modern age.

As to when the Great Trolls sleep, the Ancient Texts are completely silent, and it is my opinion that we should be also. That scholars argue this (and have argued for thousands of years), and write lengthy treatises expounding Morning Sleeping or denying Afternoon Naps, is, I think a tremendous waste of time. Trolls sleep when they sleep, I say, and if they wanted us to know when they are awake and when they are not, they would leave some sign. The hysterical rantings of impressionable people who think they have heard snoring at this time or that time have never been shown to be any more than mistakes, perhaps fueled by religious fervor and desire. The Great Trolls are invisible, and I believe that if they snore at all, our mortal ears cannot hear it.

I do observe many of the ancient rituals. When crossing a bridge on foot, I do pinch my nose shut, cup my groin, and close my eyes. I do this more out of respect for our shared beliefs than from any fear that I will offend a Troll sleeping below. When driving, I simply hold my nose across the bridge, for it is my opinion (and the opinion of many traffic experts) that the stupendous rate of accidents at and near our bridges has more to do with temporarily sightless drivers steering with their knees than any dislike of automobiles by the Great Trolls.

On Halloween, our family does enjoy the traditional reenactment of the Slaughter of the Lesser Trolls, and we joyfully smash pumpkins with our wooden bats, and if there is a horrid mess to clean up the next morning, it is a small price to pay for a religious experience the whole family can share. Indeed, the stains in our carpet and upon our walls bring back happy memories of past Halloweens.

I do agree that, as a Nation, we spend far too much money on unnecessary and redundant bridges. We do not know the Number of The Trolls, for the Ancient Texts say that we cannot know, at least not until the Day of Slaughter. I don't agree with the fundamentalists who say that we insult the Great Trolls with unnecessary bridges; but I do agree that my taxes could be better spent than by digging useless trenches through our roads just so another bridge can be built. And I am quite sympathetic to those who object to the gaudy decoration, the ostentatious statuary that we gild our bridges with. Again, I do not think the Great Trolls are offended, but I do think at least some of it, particularly the less aesthetically pleasing examples, would be better not done at all. The Great Trolls still slept under the crude wooden bridges our ancestors built, after all, so, in my opinion, this extreme decoration is unnecessary.

I am also liberal with regard to the A-Trollists. I know that for many, the Unbelievers are seen as a dangerous threat to the very stability of our society, as Anarchists, and worse. I assert, however, that an A-Trollist is simply a person who does not (or perhaps cannot, poor things) believe in Trolls. That in itself tells us nothing about their actions in our society, their political leanings, or, indeed, anything else. It simply means that they do not believe, and that (I think) should be a cause for pity, not vicious anger.

And yet the advent of this Internet has seemingly caused at least the appearance that there is more A-Trollist thought than there was when we were a younger Nation. I myself suspect that the A-Trollists have always been among us, but that this new medium of communication, safe from Pumpkin Bats, has caused people to speak more freely. In all honesty, though the A-Trollists disgust me, I think that open dissension is healthy. If the fundamentalists had their way, we would have to revert to a primitive agrarian existence, for such is the only way to avoid all the offenses these people believe we are giving to the Trolls, our Makers.

So I say, let the A-Trollists speak (within reason, of course: we should not allow blasphemy on the Internet any more than we'd allow it in the middle of a bridge!). A little skepticism is healthy, I think, and in some ways A-Trollism is perhaps even less dangerous than some of the extremes of fundamentalism.

May the Great Trolls bless you, keep you, and never suck the marrow from your bones.