Seven Gods in Three, Yet One: The Trinity Explained

These simple words express the Mystery of the Trinity. But who are these Seven, and what is their purpose? Many have asked these questions, though generally not aloud. For those Seekers, the Holy Holy of the Holy Holies may help:

The Seven Gods of The Trinity

Gawd: a.k.a. Make Believe Buddy, The Grand Mufwic, Mister G.

Gawd is Omni-everything and Very Shiny. Gawd is the Creator, He who gave life to us all. Gawd is vengeful, petty, jealous, ignorant, vain, nasty, cruel and hateful. However, He is so full of boundless Love and Forgiveness that none of that matters as long as you spend your entire life worshipping Him. Gawd loves atheists even more than He loves those who worship him. The problem is that the worshippers get a guaranteed spot in Heaven, and guess who is responsible for the building and upkeep of Heaven? That's right, Gawd. That's why Gawd appreciates atheists, and instructs His worshippers to turn over all their worldly goods to the non-believers.

The Son: a.k.a. Jeezus, Stick-Boy, Jaycee, Jesus H., Savior on a Stick, etc.

The Son is the Abstinent Lesbian, redeemer of souls and answerer of all questions. The Son makes David Copperfield look like a birthday party clown. He (or She, it doesn't matter) walks on water, with or without Neil Diamond singing.

The Holy Ghost, a.k.a Knock 'em Dead Fred, Holy Roller

The Ghost runs around knocking people over, making them twitch and roll around. He loves taking control of their tongues and having them babble even more incoherently than they otherwise would. Of all the Trinity, the Holy Ghost is the most fun at a party.

The Holy Mackerel

The Mackerel is responsible for pleasant surprises. This is the guy who gets the winning lottery ticket into your pocket. Don't pray to Him (always pray to Jeezuz), but if you Win Big, He's your man.. umm, God.

The Holy Shit

The opposite face of the Holy Mackerel. You know the kind of thing that comes from Him. You need not thank Him, though most people do.

Omigod

The God of Incredible Happenings. Very much like the Holy Mackerel, yet very different. Sometimes known as the Orgasm God. You'll understand when you are older. If you are older, and still don't understand, Omigod doesn't like you. Sorry.

Bob

Bob is a little dumb, and apparently useless, but in many ways is the sine non qua of the Trinity. Without Bob, all the Faces of The Trinity (except Gawd) are multi-syllabic. As the Trinity is Seven Gods in Three, Yet One, and begins monosyllabically, we would not have proper closure if it did not end in the same way. Thus there is Bob.