The Bible is inerrant - sort of, sometimes, if you close your eyes and wish

I used to know a young man who was very religious. Unlike some of that ilk, he wasn't annoying about it: you could talk to him for long periods without the subject coming up at all. Over time, however, enough leaked out to make it plain that he took his Christianity very seriously.

One day we happened to be talking about books we had read and he mentioned the Bible, almost apologetically, but still asserting that this had to be the "greatest book of all".

Curious, I asked him why he would say that. Without hesitation, he answered.

"Because I've never found it to be wrong."

I hesitated. That word "wrong" can have such slippery meaning in the world of religion. Depending upon who is saying it, it can mean that that they literally believe everything the Bible says. More usually it means something akin to "I believe what the Bible teaches me", which leaves all the contradictions, inconsistencies and plain errors of fact to be as they are.

Inerrant

"Do you mean the Bible is inerrant?", I asked.

That actually means very little. Biblical inerrancy cheerfully ignores errors, inaccuracy and contradiction. I just wanted to see how much attention he was paying to his religious leader.

He agreed that he thought the Bible to be inerrant. I asked a more direct question.

"Are there any contradictions in the Bible?"

To my surprise, he immediately answered in the negative. That's unusual, because a person insisting on that plainly has not paid close attention to their reading - or may not have read at all. I decided to find out.

"Have you ever read it?", I asked.

Of course I have read it

That question set him back a bit. His retort was as expected - of course he had read it.

I asked him if he had his Bible with him. He had a copy back at his desk and we went to fetch it. I thumbed through it and found the first passage I wanted.

See all 5 photos

I had him read that out loud and then flipped to another section. This is John telling the same story. It's a bit different from Matthew's version.

So which is it? Did Jesus sullenly refuse to answer or was he a smart aleck?

I know that "inerrancy" doesn't require these passages to match, but this young man did not. He was embarrassed, so I took it upon myself to explain to him the slippery nature of these claims and advised him to go have a talk with his pastor for further explanation.

I don't know that he did and, if he did, who knows what his paster might have said? He might just dismiss it with "The Devil can quote Scripture" or he might have simply noted that the different accounts are designed to teach different things. He might have also insisted that the refusal was one part of the questioning and that the answers came later. It hardly matters: there is always some way to wipe away any contradiction or error.

The purpose of the Gospels

A Christian may easily forget (or may not even know) that those who wrote these stories had no idea that they would someday be bound together in the New Testament. The earlier writers certainly wouldn't have been aware of the embellishments and contradictions of later writers and those later writers might not have had access to the same version of an earlier work that you can read today.

The New Testament has just four gospels, but there were many more. In a time when truth in advertising was unknown, people rewrote stories to suit their own purposes. If you hated Jews, you made them responsible for the death of Jesus. If you hated the Romans, the Jews would get a more sympathetic treatment. Each story had its own flavor and prejudice.

Much later, the early churches gathered together the stories they liked and tossed out the ones they did not. They may have even tried to destroy some stories that they deemed unfitting for any eyes. There is a controversial story that might imply homosexual practices, for example, but even works far less insulting were suppressed or ignored.

For all these reasons, most intelligent Christians acknowledge the contradictions and fall back to a more reasonable position that each writer was trying to impart important truth in the best way they could. If we substitute "political spin" for "important truth", that is exactly what they were doing and the selection of those four accounts out of dozens was yet more "spin".

Just for fun

With the idea firmly in mind that none of this matters except to the most ignorant, it is still fun to look for amusing glitches in the Bible. I want to present to you just one of my favorites.

Remember, this is just for fun. I know that it is unimportant to any intelligent Christian. It should not be thought that I am presenting this to attack your faith. I just find these things amusing.

Feeding the multitudes

The story of Jesus feeding large crowds is well known to Christians. The more skeptical atheists will note that those stories are likely lifted right out of Kings in the Old Testament:

When the gospel writers are singing the praises of Jesus, they describe a similar miracle - two of them, in fact. On one occasion Jesus feeds four thousand with seven loaves of bread and some fish and on another he feeds five thousand with five loaves and two fish.

You might think that these two stories are suspiciously similar. However, both appear in Mark, so we can't argue that one gospel writer accidentally changed a few facts or just heard them differently. Mark makes it plain that these are separate instances and they are quite close together also.

Say what?

What's amusing about this is that the disciples had plainly seen Jesus do this bit of magic previously. And yet they are baffled both times as to how the crowd will be fed. The same bafflement that Elisha's servant expressed in the Old Testament story, of course.

Again, that's meaningless. Many Christians might even laughingly accept that the stories probably did come from the same source and that even the Kings version has antecedents in older religions. They might say that it is the concept of charity and giving that is important, not any details written by unknown authors at different times.

I don't have any problem with that. As I said, picking out these little glitches is just mild fun with no malice intended. Well, unless I'm actually dealing with some crazed person who insists that it all must be literally true, of course. That's a very different sort of "fun".

Your favorites?

Do you have any favorite inconsistency or flat out error? I'd love to hear about it in the comments.

To the moderate Christians: you really don't need to point out how none of these things matter, but if you really must, then go ahead. I'm already in agreement, but you might feel I haven't presented your particular take or haven't expressed it forcefully enough. I'm sure you'll forgive my poor attempts, of course.

In fairness, I'd have to offer the same opportunity to any literalist who wants to pretend that this word was mistranslated or that the Devil affected all versions but the secret one that will now be revealed to us - I shudder to think what we might get by allowing that, but I suppose I must.

All I ask of anyone is to try not to be too repetitive. I know that's hard in these circumstances - nuance can be so important when waving away Biblical problems. I'll try to be fair, but if you really haven't added to the conversation, I might have to delete your comment in the interests of saving space.

Other than that, have at it!

Crimes in the name of a god

In "Travels in Siberia", Ian Frazier describes finding Old Believers in a remote part of Russia. These are people who broke off from what they considered to be a corruption of the Orthodox Church more than 400 years ago. The major distinction visible to outsiders is that the Old Believers make the sign of the cross with just two fingers while the "new" practice added the thumb to touch the other two fingers.

Ian found that the anger and hatred that had begun all those centuries ago had been carefully preserved, lovingly handed down from parent to child. The Old Believers still know who is their enemy, even if their enemies have long forgotten them.

Of course there was much more to it than just fingers and thumbs. There always is: what may look to outsiders to be simply a ridiculous argument about very minor things actually almost always really involves power and money, lust, politics and pride. The fingers and anything else just helps you know where to direct your anger. The reason for that anger is surely found elsewhere.

Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Hippolytus_marty...

Heretics and schisms, antipopes and Saints

The Catholic Church is full of similar splits. The Orthodox Church that the Old Believers left (or that left them, from their point of view) split off from the rest many centuries before - barely after Christianity had begun.

The history of the arguing that caused these splits and rejoining and more splits again is complex and torturous and would be highly amusing if it really were only about fingers or what day of the week to worship.

This creed's heretic might be the founder of another creed or might have earlier been highly respected and praised in the same group that now reviles him. A false Pope who was deposed and replaced might still be made into a Saint by another Pope. The twists and turns are truly fascinating.

The Catholics are hardly alone, however. Roger Williams was convicted by Massachusetts of sedition and religious heresy in October of 1635. Rather than face banishment, he high-tailed it into the woods and thereafter had a lot to do with settling Rhode Island. That the Indian population living there no doubt had settled it quite satisfactorily centuries earlier is a different story, of course.

Power and money

The "dangerous opinions" (that's how the General Court of Massachusetts phrased it) of Roger Williams included the idea of separation of Church and State. He felt that people should be free to practice whatever religious beliefs they might hold and that the State shouldn't enforce its particular beliefs on others. The Puritans, having left England for exactly those reasons, were remarkably unsympathetic.

They surely didn't care for his negative thoughts about the virtues of stealing land from Indians by fiat, either. Dangerous opinions, indeed.

But dangerous to what? Dangerous to established power, of course. Roger Williams leanings toward anabaptism may have caused some self-righteous harrumphing at some dinner tables, but the true problem was the threat to established power. Landowners, church collection plates, political influence over minds wielded from the pulpit - those are the things that always matter.

The history of religion is always interwoven with power. Kings became Popes, kings rebelled against popes, wealthy families provided bishops and priests. Those same families may have had other financial arrangements where the Church sheltered their wealth from taxation by the State - while taxing itself, of course. Schisms over doctrine almost always have a deeper and darker origin.

A rich subject area

I think it might be fun to look more closely at some of the religious power struggles. There are amusing flip-flops and impassioned arguments, but the root cause isn't always easy to determine. Making it even more difficult is that the victors in these squabbles have often felt no distaste at all for rewriting history to support their goals and that fired up true believers may have joined the fray with great enthusiasm while never understanding what was really happening behind the public face of moral outrage.

Perhaps I'll look into some of those another day.

Follower of Christ or fundamentalist - does it really matter?

Those of us without religious belief sometimes will casually say things like "It's all the same babble to me", implying that arguments between theists as to which religion is "better" are silly.

That has some truth in it, but it also isn't quite right. Certainly we see "soft" religious belief as far less threatening than fundamentalist Bible /Koran /Whatever thumping. At the far extreme where some Deists live ("some god created the Universe and hasn't been around since"), there's no threat at all and if there is "threat" from someone who says they admire the "teachings of Christ", it's a threat of being tolerant and non-judgmental. That might (ironically) upset some of my Right Wing friends, but it is no threat to me. I rather like it, actually.

Admirer of Christ?

Yet I can't help feeling some dismay when "soft" theists say that they "follow" or "admire" Jesus Christ.

If we take away all the silly walking on water, water to wine and resurrection stuff and only look at the philosophy without the religious trappings, sure, I could be a fan. I admire the intent.

But I admire the philosophy of Robert A. Heinlein in a "Stranger in a Strange Land" too and this "Jesus" character is likely every bit as fictional.

No, I'm not saying there might not have been some wandering preacher with this or a similar name who might have sparked or helped spread early Christianity. That part could be true. But the rest?

Any intelligent person should know that all the "miracles" never happened, so that part of the story is obvious fiction and many of the softer theists will agree. They do hang on the words, though, and that's a place that I have more trouble.

The Gospels

We don't know where these stories came from. We note that the Christian Bible titles them as "The Gospel according to..", which implies that Mark, Luke and the rest were writing down material from some other source. Given that they were writing long after the supposed time of their character's supposed life, they had to be using other sources, oral or written.

None of the pleasant and lovable philosophies in the words they wrote are unique. These ideas didn't suddenly spring into being with Jesus - they all existed in prior religions and prior thoughts. Even if this particular preacher did mouth some of them or even all of them, they didn't necessarily originate with him. He may have learned them elsewhere, refined them, and spit them back out. He may have tied a lot of ideas together into a specific philosophy, but realistically it seems more likely that the Gospel writers put words in his mouth - literally.

The Other Gospels

Many Christians are aware that what their sect considers as its Bible may not match what another sect has. Most should be aware that all of these Bibles were put together by human beings who selected specific part from religious writings.

For example, consider The Gospel of Mary. You can probably easily imagine why this was rejected as being suitable for the official Bibles, but why should it have been disregarded? Did those doing the assembly know that it was false or was it just that it didn't fit with the story they wanted to tell? I would say the latter is the more likely explanation.

What of The Gospel of Thomas? Why was that left out? It is probably older, but it's just things Jesus supposedly said, with little context or narrative. It could very well have been a framework around which the later story tellers wove their tales - they took a very few words (which may not even have been factual, of course) and spun them into something longer and more exciting.

Admire the words of whom?

So what we have is people who admire the supposed life of someone who might never have existed at all. If he did exist, everything that we can read about him is second hand hearsay or utter fiction.

Even the Gospels that are in traditional Bibles contradict one another in small and even large ways, so the fiction charge is rather unavoidable. This is a story just like "Stranger in a Strange Land" and I'd think it rather funny if you told me that you are a Heinleinist or (more in keeping with his story) a Valentinist. Yet that's exactly what the miracle-rejecting "soft Christians" are doing.

Of course they can convincingly argue that calling themselves "Christian" or a "follower of Christ" is just a convenient short hand - we know what to expect without getting into great detail. I can agree with that.

All the same babble?

No, it isn't. I'm not entirely convinced that all of these people really should label themselves as they do, but labels are their business, not mine. I think it might help delineate ideas and philosophies better if they were more accurate or just made up some other label entirely - like "Christishian", to be somewhat facetious.

Overall, I like these "Christishians" much more than those who label themselves as Catholics or Pentecostals or whatever - though I also realize that for many, the church they go to is just a place to see their friends and their real beliefs may differ widely from what their sect says they should believe, so I might like them as individuals also.

Religion is so complicated for those of us without it.

The Holy Spam, Book IV

o The maiden Eleanor worked in her father's fields, and tended the crops, and pulled the weeds, and hauled the water, and her father saw that she was good, and did not beat her.

o One morning Paul passed the field where Eleanor toiled, and saw her virtue, and his staff did quicken, and he did approach Eleanor, and beckoned her to come to his bed.

o But Eleanor refused Paul, and said that too much work awaited her, and that she was a virgin, and that she had no sisters to help her in the fields, and that her brothers were at the hunt, and that her father was testing the wine.

o That night, Paul dreamt, and in his dream Eleanor was beside him, and upon him, and beneath him, and consumed him, and emptied him, and Paul knew that it was good.

o And Paul awoke and thought upon his dream, and called the people to come and hear it.

o Paul told the people that Invisible Pal wished to send His Holy Son to Earth, and that His son would be born to the virgin Eleanor, and that Paul must take Eleanor as his own wife, and that Invisible Pal's seed would flow through Paul's own staff.

o And the people were awed, and praised Paul, and ran to the fields and brought Eleanor unto him, and told her the Good News.

o And Eleanor was confused, and blushed, and made to run away, but the people stopped her and asked "Why do you run from the desires of Invisible Pal?"

o And Eleanor told them that she was not a virgin, and had lied to Paul. And the people made to stone her, but Paul bade them stop, and said that Invisible Pal was speaking unto him even now, and Paul closed his eyes so that he could hear Invisible Pal the better.

o And Paul told the people that Invisible Pal had not said that Eleanor was a virgin, but that only Paul had assumed that, and Invisible Pal still wished for His Son to be born to Eleanor. And some say that this is the Third Mystery, but it is not.

o And Paul took Eleanor as his wife, and was with her, and beside her, and above her, and below her, and when Invisible Pal's seed flowed from Paul's staff, he cried aloud "Oh My Pal!" and the people knew that Invisible Pal was within Paul.

o And Paul was with Eleanor every night, and was with her every morning, and Invisible Pal commanded that they contort themselves in many unusual ways, and Invisible Pal's seed flowed splendidly from Paul's staff.

o But the summer passed, and Eleanor was barren, and not with child, and some of the people spoke against Paul, and he stoned them, and no more did any speak against Paul.

o And the winter passed, and the spring, and yet another summer, and Eleanor was still barren and not with child.

o And Paul went forth again into the wilderness, and built a hut, and was not with Eleanor for three hundred and seven days, and when he returned, Eleanor was with child. And Paul rejoiced, and the people rejoiced, and this is the Third Mystery.

The Holy Spam, Book III

o Ruth, daughter of Jesus, ruled for sixty years. Her wisdom was praised, and the people prospered. She taught them the use of the spear, and the bow, and much game was caught and the people were fat.

o Ruth taught rotation of crops, and the harvest was bountiful, and the people praised Ruth and prayed for her soul.

o Ruth taught the washing of hands, and not to defecate upstream, and full cooking of pork, and the people were healthy and praised Ruth and prayed for her soul.

o Ruth taught the virtue of Law, and trial by a jury of peers, and sat as judge, and her fairness was praised, and the people prayed for her soul.

o In her sixtieth year of rule, Ruth taught the people that women should not be beaten, and were equal to men in the eyes of the Moon Goddess.

o And the people prayed for her soul, and stoned her, and tore her body asunder, and left the scraps for the dogs.

o Then Paul went out into the wilderness, and the Holy IPU was there, and Paul fell to his knees and was blinded by her Pinkness.

o The Holy IPU spake unto Paul. "Man, go away. I blow my nose on a dung heap, come back four billion years later, and the place is crawling with you horrid, ugly things. I have not the slightest interest in you or anything you do, and the sooner you catch on, the better off you will be. Now go away."

o And Paul went away, and he slept, and he dreamt, and in his dream Invisible Pal came to him in a burning bush, and promised him much power and riches, and free choice of comely women, if Paul would lead his people into the promised land.

o And in the dream, Invisible Pal gave Paul one hundred rules that the people must follow, and two hundred rituals that they must practice every day, and promised again that Paul could have whatever women he would choose.

o And Paul awoke, and thought upon his dream, and could not remember the hundred rules, nor the two hundred rituals, but he kneweth that he should lead his people through the wilderness, and he kneweth that he would get his choice of women.

o And Paul thought briefly of the IPU, but decided he would know her not, and he took up some clay tablets and inscribed upon the clay everything that he could remember that Ruth had said, but not the heresy concerning women, and he baked the tablets and brought them back unto the people and proclaimed that Invisible Pal had given him the tablets upon a high mountain, and had threatened the people with locusts and floods, and the people listened, and were awed, and groveled most virtuously, and the women looked upon Paul as marked by Invisible Pal, and wished to be closer to him.

o Paul led his people into the wilderness, and after many days of travel they came unto the land of the Balthazites. And the land was fair, the fruit grew heavy upon the trees, and the forest abounded with animals, and the Balthazites were friendly unto Paul's people, and welcomed them, and bade them welcome, and to share in their food and thir plenty.

o But the Balthazites knew not Invisible Pal, and knew not the Moon Goddess, and knew not the Sun God, and laughed at Paul when he made Invisible Pal known unto them.

o And Paul warned them of the locusts and the floods, and other dire consequences, but the Balthazites said to Paul that they had survived locusts, and had survived floods, and did not need an Invisible Pal.

o So Paul drew up his army, and he slew the Balthazites, slew their warriors, slew their women, slew their maidens, and slew every child in its crib and every dog on its leash.

o And the people rejoiced, for they saw the power of Invisible Pal, and knew that it was good, and just, and that the Balthazites would not be tormented by locusts and floods.

The Holy Spam, Book II

o And the Man's name was Mo-hab, and he was the first Man, and he knew not the Holy IPU and he worshipped the Moon and the Sun.

o Mo-hab took unto himself a Wife, and her name is not important, for she shamed Mo-hab by fornication with his brother, and Mo-hab stoned her, and beat her, and cursed her, and left her to die.

o Mo-hab took under himself a second Wife, and her name was Beth-she-dah, and Beth-she-dah was virtuous, and circumspect.

o Beth-she-dah bore Mo-hab two sons, and two daughters, and the names of the sons were Ah-mel and Randy, and the names of the daughters are unimportant.

o And Mo-hab's first wife did not die, and lived in Sin with Mo-hab's brother, and Mo-hab called upon the Moon Goddess for vengeance, but his prayers were not heard.

o So Mo-hab took up a stone, and killed his brother, and went into his first wife and she bore him another son, Art.

o And Mo-hab went into his daughters, and they bore him more daughters whose names are unimportant, and a son whose name was Ka-mel.

o And Art went into Mo-hab's daughters, and Ah-mel went into Mo-hab's first Wife, and two more sons were born, and their names were Kin-tew and Fre-lat.

o And Art lay with Ka-mel as with a woman, and Mo-hab was shamed and Mo-hab stoned Art and Ka-mel and left them to die.

o Then Mo-hab was very old, and his staff would not rise and his seed would not flow and he was weary. Beth-she-dah came to him and made to lay with him, but he would not. And Beth-she-dah came again to lay with him, but he would not. Each night for forty nights, and each morning for forty mornings, Beth-she-dah came to lay with Mo-hab but his staff would not rise.

o And Beth-she-dah ripened with child, and Mo-hab praised his virtuous wife, and gave presents unto her, and promised his kingdom if the child were a male. And this is the Second Mystery, for Mo=hab's staff had never risen.

o And the child was born, and it was male, and Mo-hab was pleased and stoned no one that day.

o And the child's name was Jesus, and he worshipped not the Moon Goddess, and spake of the Invisible Pal, and the people were suspicious, and angry, and they stoned him, but he did not die.

o And the people tied his hands, and bound his feet, and filled his pockets with stones, and tossed him into the River, but he did not die.

o And the people muttered about the Invisible Pal, and some began to worship unto It, and the people were more angry and they took him, and beat him, and nailed him to a tree, but he did not die.

o Then Mo-hab arose from his bed and spake unto his son Jesus. "I have given you my kingdom. My staff will no longer rise, and my seed will not flow. You add to my miseries with your insufferable Invisible Pal."

o And Jesus repented, and sacrificed his first daughter to the Moon Goddess, and anointed his first son with her blood, and promised that the generations of Jesus would not worship Invisible Pal.

o But Jesus was not truthful in his heart, and in the next winter he stole into his parent's tent and stoned Mo-hab and Beth-she-dah, and killed them both, and then he owned the Kingdom and he spake unto his people and told them to worship Invisible Pal or they would die. And the people listened, and knew the truth.

o And Jesus ruled for forty years, and the people worshipped Invisible Pal and none worshipped the Moon Goddess at all.

o Then Jesus walked amongst the people, and tripped upon a root, and fell to the earth, and he was dead. And the people stoned the root, and burned the tree from which it grew, and gnashed their teeth and beat their wives and daughters. And they all forgot about Invisible Pal and made sacrifice to the Moon Goddess again.

o And then Her Holiness returned to the Earth, and looked upon the people and said "What is this? Hairless apes? Fricking ugliest things I've ever seen!". And the people prostrated themselves to Her Holiness, and gnashed their teeth, and groveled most virtuously, and the Holy IPU looked upon them and said "Get a life!", and she left yet again.

The Holy Spam, Book I

o In the beginning, there was Spam. No Light, no Dark, only Pinkness and Spam.

o Her Invisible Holiness looked upon the Spam, and drew its Pinkness unto Herself, and said "This is good". And this was the morning of the first day.

o On the morning of the second day, the Holy IPU looked upon the Spam and said "This will Stinketh after a few days", and She lay down to think upon it.

o On the afternoon of the third day, the Holy IPU trampled the Spam into Gobs, and set them afire with Her Holy breath, and these became the Sun, and the stars, and She looked upon what She had done and said "Kewl!".

o The fire singed the Holy Hoofs, and charred the Holy Mane, and offended the Holy Nostrils. The Holy IPU looked upon what She had wrought and said "Screwed up. Damn it!". Then She shat upon one of the burning Gobs, extinguished its fire, and then She shat again upon a smaller Gob, and these became the Earth and the Moon. And it was the morning of the fourth day.

o And on the fifth day the Holy IPU rested, for She is tireless, and omnipotent and hath no need of rest. This is the First Mystery.

o On the seven hundredth day the Holy IPU awoke, and She lay upon the Earth, and admired Her handiwork in the Heavens.

o From the seven hundredth day to the nine hundred and seventy third day, the Holy IPU looked upon her handiwork.

o On the morning of the nine hundred and seventy third day, the Holy IPU arose, and shook Her Holy Mane, and said "I'm outa here!".

o And the Holy IPU peed upon the Earth, and formed the Great Seas, and she snorted a great blast of Holy Nasal Fluid, and then She left.

o And the Nasal Fluid fermented on the land, and ran to the Seas, and teeny self replicating chains formed, and became one celled plants, and took energy from the Sun, and gave off Oxygen, and damn near killed themselves off, but some chains did not replicate faithfully and became Oxygen users, and saved the day.

o And on the morning of the eighteen gazillionth and third day, an ape like creature picked up a stone and bashed in his cousin's head and supped well that evening. As the Sun set on the evening of the eighteen gazillionth and third day, Man looked upon the stone in his hand and said "Kewl. Majorly Kewl!"

The Spam Project

The Holy Book of Spam, thought to have been lost, has been discovered. Written in crayon on the backs of matchbooks, some scholars initially suspected a forgery. However, carbon dating proved almost conclusively that the matchbooks were every bit as old as the Shroud of Turin.

I have come into possession of these books and have begun the arduous task of translation from the original Esperanto. Certain atheistic, pinko, commie loving libertarian child molesting aclu member whackos have questioned my methods, suggesting that Esperanto was not a language in the 5th millennium B.L.C (Before Last Christmas). I say to them "Prove It!", and "What's your Point?", which I think settles the matter.

Other scholars, with leftist pinko libertarian aclu leanings, have made a big fuss about the "fact" that none of the matchbooks contain a complete word, at most there being three to four letters, and sometimes only one. They also point out the complete lack of capitalization, and suggest that it is anyone's guess as to the proper order to arrange the books so as to spell out words. I hasten to point out that not one of these so-called scholars has an IQ of 3,987 as I do (proven by my taking over 50 separate intelligence tests, and adding the results). If they had half my smarts, they'd know how to arrange the matchbooks themselves, but they don't, so, jealous little pissants that they are, they attempt to smear *my* work.

I think results speak volumes. No person who isn't a sicko aclu baby-killing jew-lover queer sympathizing leftist pinko commie libertarian democrat free thinker atheist dirtbag fool can read the Holy Book of Spam and not immediately realize that this is a Divinely Inspired Work. The charges that I have copyrighted the material and intend to make money fleecing gullible religious morons are outrageous, laughable, sick, perverted and only partly true.

Her Holy Pinkness has spoken to us in the Book of Spam. The Secrets of the Universe are within for all to read (there is a small extra charge for certain secrets. Your credit card can be billed in six easy installments).

Universal Truths do not come among us often, and almost never combined with the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a PROVEN multi-level marketing plan that is 100% legal in many of the countries this post will reach.

I have translated the first four volumes and will be publishing them here this week.

You *could* read the Books for free. However, if you, like most of us, are impressed and a bit stymied by big words and long sentences, you might just want to consider that the Holy IPU is just as pleased as punch that I'm about to put those books here OUT OF THE GOODNESS of my heart, where anyone can read them.  I'm sure you agree that anyone who had made the IPU happy deserves what they can get, so why don't you sit down RIGHT NOW and make out your first check for $59.95 and sent it along to me. Then, each and every month, you send me another check for $59.95 and if enough of you do that, I can translate Book V, and the Holy IPU will be even more joyous and perhaps she'll bless you in some unspecified way and change your life.

Seven Gods in Three, Yet One: The Trinity Explained

These simple words express the Mystery of the Trinity. But who are these Seven, and what is their purpose? Many have asked these questions, though generally not aloud. For those Seekers, the Holy Holy of the Holy Holies may help:

The Seven Gods of The Trinity

Gawd: a.k.a. Make Believe Buddy, The Grand Mufwic, Mister G.

Gawd is Omni-everything and Very Shiny. Gawd is the Creator, He who gave life to us all. Gawd is vengeful, petty, jealous, ignorant, vain, nasty, cruel and hateful. However, He is so full of boundless Love and Forgiveness that none of that matters as long as you spend your entire life worshipping Him. Gawd loves atheists even more than He loves those who worship him. The problem is that the worshippers get a guaranteed spot in Heaven, and guess who is responsible for the building and upkeep of Heaven? That's right, Gawd. That's why Gawd appreciates atheists, and instructs His worshippers to turn over all their worldly goods to the non-believers.

The Son: a.k.a. Jeezus, Stick-Boy, Jaycee, Jesus H., Savior on a Stick, etc.

The Son is the Abstinent Lesbian, redeemer of souls and answerer of all questions. The Son makes David Copperfield look like a birthday party clown. He (or She, it doesn't matter) walks on water, with or without Neil Diamond singing.

The Holy Ghost, a.k.a Knock 'em Dead Fred, Holy Roller

The Ghost runs around knocking people over, making them twitch and roll around. He loves taking control of their tongues and having them babble even more incoherently than they otherwise would. Of all the Trinity, the Holy Ghost is the most fun at a party.

The Holy Mackerel

The Mackerel is responsible for pleasant surprises. This is the guy who gets the winning lottery ticket into your pocket. Don't pray to Him (always pray to Jeezuz), but if you Win Big, He's your man.. umm, God.

The Holy Shit

The opposite face of the Holy Mackerel. You know the kind of thing that comes from Him. You need not thank Him, though most people do.

Omigod

The God of Incredible Happenings. Very much like the Holy Mackerel, yet very different. Sometimes known as the Orgasm God. You'll understand when you are older. If you are older, and still don't understand, Omigod doesn't like you. Sorry.

Bob

Bob is a little dumb, and apparently useless, but in many ways is the sine non qua of the Trinity. Without Bob, all the Faces of The Trinity (except Gawd) are multi-syllabic. As the Trinity is Seven Gods in Three, Yet One, and begins monosyllabically, we would not have proper closure if it did not end in the same way. Thus there is Bob.

The Church of Fantome Scientists

The followers of the Church of Fantome Scientist are also known as the Shining Ones. This is because Gawd is Very Shiny and His followers constantly strive to be like Gawd by polishing their shoes, their jewelry, and even their own skin.

However, no matter how much they polish themselves, they will never be as Shiny as Gawd, and they will not be shiny enough to enter Heaven until they have renounced all earthly goods, placing said goods in the care of the atheists who are in charge of such things: the atheists have no need to be shiny, and thus can be soiled by the possession of worldly goods. Also, once we control the Guvmint, the atheists won't have to pay taxes, so it's easier for them to bear the responsibility.

All church functionaries and dignitaries are, of course, atheists. This is part of their incredible selflessness, their willingness to give up their own place in Heaven so that there will be room for others. Gawd appreciates their sacrifice, because it means less work for me (building Heavenly space is not easy. It took seven days to build this backwater orb called Earth, and it just about put me down for the count!).

Gawd himself does not believe in Gawds or Gods, because to do so would be hubris of the most extreme sort. Gawd recognizes that God is a dumb answer to any question, and that Gawd is an even dumber answer. This sounds like it might be one of the Mysteries, but it isn't, though the fact that it is not, is.

The Fantome Scientists, The Shiny Ones, Solving Tomorrow's Problems with Yesterday's Religious Thought, Someday.

Fantome not only died for your sins, but she gave up her place in Heaven for you (or somebody). Gawd loves the faithful, but He loves the faithless more, for the faithless require no Heavenly Real Estate.

Gawd also loves the IPU, even though She leaves Pink Shit all over His lawn. Gawd loves the followers of Her Holiness also, because the Pink Plains of Paradise are Her Problem, so more shoes covered with Pink Shit means less work for Gawd.

Gawd loves the Holy Pineapple and Ham, though He is also fond of Bertucci's Merengo. Unlike the Holy Ghost, Gawd has no strong feelings about beer, but does enjoy a J.D. or a Wild Turkey on the rocks now and then.

Gawd will not allow any other God before him, except the aforementioned Pink Unicorn and perhaps one or two others, but Gawd definitely does not cotton to that Jehovah guy and his Savior-on-a-Stick and will send all followers of that false prophet straight to the hell they deserve (Prizes are non-transferable. Winners may choose Eternity in the Mines of Misery as an alternate Damnation).

Gawd believes in Equality, Freedom, and Peace. Gawd dislikes professional sports, and especially can't stand professional sports newscasters. Gawd believes that Unix is the One True Operating System.

Gawd loves you all to pieces. Gawd loves you THIS much! Gawd gave you His Abstinent Lesbian for you to yell at, malign, hang on a cross, draw and quarter, trample and spit upon. Fantome was more than mildly inconvenienced for your sins! Saviour-on-a-Stick never had a hangnail for you, but Fantome did!

The Great Trolls

On matters of Religion, I am a liberal. I believe in Trolls, of course, for to do otherwise is to deny the evidence of our own senses: you may as well deny the very existence of the bridges under which the Great Trolls sleep.

But I do not subscribe to the fanatic beliefs concerning North Sleeping Trolls and South Sleeping Trolls. Trolls are quite invisible, as we all know, so who knows which way their Holy Beards are pointing? The Ancient Texts seem confused on this, sometimes seeming to be even contradictory. Perhaps Trolls do not care which way they sleep at all, but even if it is important, I am certain that no Troll would approve of the senseless bloodshed and horrible persecution that Northern Beards have suffered throughout history. The Ancient Texts tell us that the Great Trolls love all of us, and I simply cannot believe that having a different idea about the direction of their beards would change that. I am appalled and disgusted that such primitive religious thought exists in this modern age.

As to when the Great Trolls sleep, the Ancient Texts are completely silent, and it is my opinion that we should be also. That scholars argue this (and have argued for thousands of years), and write lengthy treatises expounding Morning Sleeping or denying Afternoon Naps, is, I think a tremendous waste of time. Trolls sleep when they sleep, I say, and if they wanted us to know when they are awake and when they are not, they would leave some sign. The hysterical rantings of impressionable people who think they have heard snoring at this time or that time have never been shown to be any more than mistakes, perhaps fueled by religious fervor and desire. The Great Trolls are invisible, and I believe that if they snore at all, our mortal ears cannot hear it.

I do observe many of the ancient rituals. When crossing a bridge on foot, I do pinch my nose shut, cup my groin, and close my eyes. I do this more out of respect for our shared beliefs than from any fear that I will offend a Troll sleeping below. When driving, I simply hold my nose across the bridge, for it is my opinion (and the opinion of many traffic experts) that the stupendous rate of accidents at and near our bridges has more to do with temporarily sightless drivers steering with their knees than any dislike of automobiles by the Great Trolls.

On Halloween, our family does enjoy the traditional reenactment of the Slaughter of the Lesser Trolls, and we joyfully smash pumpkins with our wooden bats, and if there is a horrid mess to clean up the next morning, it is a small price to pay for a religious experience the whole family can share. Indeed, the stains in our carpet and upon our walls bring back happy memories of past Halloweens.

I do agree that, as a Nation, we spend far too much money on unnecessary and redundant bridges. We do not know the Number of The Trolls, for the Ancient Texts say that we cannot know, at least not until the Day of Slaughter. I don't agree with the fundamentalists who say that we insult the Great Trolls with unnecessary bridges; but I do agree that my taxes could be better spent than by digging useless trenches through our roads just so another bridge can be built. And I am quite sympathetic to those who object to the gaudy decoration, the ostentatious statuary that we gild our bridges with. Again, I do not think the Great Trolls are offended, but I do think at least some of it, particularly the less aesthetically pleasing examples, would be better not done at all. The Great Trolls still slept under the crude wooden bridges our ancestors built, after all, so, in my opinion, this extreme decoration is unnecessary.

I am also liberal with regard to the A-Trollists. I know that for many, the Unbelievers are seen as a dangerous threat to the very stability of our society, as Anarchists, and worse. I assert, however, that an A-Trollist is simply a person who does not (or perhaps cannot, poor things) believe in Trolls. That in itself tells us nothing about their actions in our society, their political leanings, or, indeed, anything else. It simply means that they do not believe, and that (I think) should be a cause for pity, not vicious anger.

And yet the advent of this Internet has seemingly caused at least the appearance that there is more A-Trollist thought than there was when we were a younger Nation. I myself suspect that the A-Trollists have always been among us, but that this new medium of communication, safe from Pumpkin Bats, has caused people to speak more freely. In all honesty, though the A-Trollists disgust me, I think that open dissension is healthy. If the fundamentalists had their way, we would have to revert to a primitive agrarian existence, for such is the only way to avoid all the offenses these people believe we are giving to the Trolls, our Makers.

So I say, let the A-Trollists speak (within reason, of course: we should not allow blasphemy on the Internet any more than we'd allow it in the middle of a bridge!). A little skepticism is healthy, I think, and in some ways A-Trollism is perhaps even less dangerous than some of the extremes of fundamentalism.

May the Great Trolls bless you, keep you, and never suck the marrow from your bones.

The IPU Lives!

Poor Christians. We, the followers of Her Holy Pinkness, consumers of the Holy Pizza, deeply regret that you choose to defy the very Being who will save your soul from eternal misery. You have been misled by empty promises of a Savior who never comes, of a Heaven you will never attain unless you repent your ways now.

The EAC has said that we cannot proselytize, that it is beneath us, that it would fall on deaf ears. I think they are wrong! I think the Good News of your Salvation must be spread, so you can join us on the Pinkish Plains of Paradise. I therefor come to you in the Holy Spirit of Her Invisible Pinkness, and offer you Her Grace:

May the Invisible Pink Unicorn defecate upon your shoes, for it is written that only then may you enter the Kingdom of Heaven and ride the Holy Camel Beasts throughout all eternity.

May you fall upon your knees and scoop the Heavenly Pink Poop into your hands and spread it upon your face, in your hair, all over your body (technically, this procedure is not in the Holy Book of Spam and is not required for salvation, but it amuses the hell out of the rest of us, so we always mention it).

Her Holy Pinkness Shat for your Sins, that you, upon reaching Heaven, will never defecate again! This is the Seventh Mystery, and the other six are really strange and neat, too.

There is a Hoof Shaped Hole in your hearts, and you know it, though through your anger and your fear you refuse to admit it. You hold your noses and will not inhale the Glorious Stench of Pink Unicorn Poop. You are not ready, my brother, not ready to join with us in the Mystery of the Pineapple and Ham. I lament for you, and pray to Her Pinkness that your nostrils will be opened, as ours have been.

I want you to know the tartness of the Pineapple, to taste the sweet Ham in the Holy Romano, baked upon the crispy crust, to bring the Warmth into your mouth, to roll it upon your tongue, to inhale its Holy Fragrance. I want to share with you the mysteries of Her Pinkness, tell you of Her mighty Hooves, Her firey breath, Her majestic Tail.

I want you to join us in our nightly readings from the Holy Book of Spam, that you may learn of the Mysteries, and be confused and dumfounded.

Most of all, I want you to be enveloped in Her Invisible Pinkness, to know Her Love, to be one with Her spirit.

We of the IPU are told not to waste our breath upon those who Will Not Smell. Her Pinkness tells us that men either come unto Her Holy Hooves willingly, or not at all. She warns us that proselytizing is much as teaching pigs to sing: it wears you out, and annoys the pig.

But still, I fear for your soul, my brother. I do not want you to be cast into to the Mines of Misery to spend all eternity grubbing in the darkness. I do not want you to curse your bleeding stubs of fingers, to gaze forever at clean shoes, devoid of Pink Poop. Join us in worshipping Her Pinkness, and avoid your damnation.

You who mock Her Pinkness deny Her Everlasting Love, and thus earn Her Undying Contempt. The IPU wants you to accept Her as your Pink Unicorn. Her Holy Hooves wish to trample your sins, and She wants the hot breath of Her Holy Nostrils to cleanse you of unwanted facial hair.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. If we are wrong, then you can convert back to your wimpy Christian God seconds before you die. But if we are right, you will hear the Heavenly Hoofbeats approaching as you slip away, as Her Righteous Pinkness comes to examine your shoes.

Will She find your shoes worthy of defecation? Only if you have accepted Her Holy Pinkness into your heart. Only if you have supped on the Holy Pineapple and Ham Pizza with your atheist brethren. If you have not done these things, She will leave you for the Trolls from the Mines of Misery, who will drag you in chains to your cruel fate.

The evidence is all around you. Have you never heard things go bump in the dark? That is Her Holiness bumping into furniture, something your supposed Christian God never does.

Have you never seen hoof prints in sand or dirt? Proof positive that Her Holy Pinkness has passed this way, perhaps disguised as an ordinary horse.

Have you never seen a Pink Unicorn? OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T! The Holy IPU is INVISIBLE, she cannot be seen at all, which is the most marvelous proof of all!

Do not risk entering Eternity with unsoiled shoes. The Mines of Misery are dark and cold, and you will claw at frozen rock with your bare fingers in tight passageways, unable to stand, hidden from daylight, hearing only the moans of the other accursed for all eternity. There is no rest in the Mines of Misery, no holidays, no 401K, no paid leave. You will crawl on your miserable belly forever, cold, alone, blind, and worst of all, with no Holy Poop upon your shoes. There will be plenty of poop, of course, and you'll be crawling through that as well, because Eternity in the Mines of Misery is not defecation free.

Instead of that awful existence, you could ride Her Holiness to Heaven, where you will be given your own Camel Beast, your own Flaming Sword, and your own Sexy Outfit. You will play Polo on the Pinkish Plains of Paradise, drink nectar from Holy Pink Goblets, and have your every whim attended to by nubile young attendants (choice of gender and apparent age of attendants is up to individual worshipper. Gender may be mixed if desired, and exchanged as taste dictates. The management will accommodate any request for other life forms of any gender or species). All that, and no unpleasant or annoying bodily functions! The Holy IPU Shat for your sins, and you won't have to!

Most important of all, you will bask forever in the Pink Radiance of the Holy IPU.

Come, my brother. You who now pinch your nose and refuse to smell, un-pinch, and breathe deep. Sit with us, partake of the Holy Pineapple and Ham Pizza, and learn of Her Pinkness and all that She can do for you (common side effects include nausea, dizziness and stomach cramps. In most worshippers, these symptoms are mild. Consult your Doctor if you have a previous history of allergies to Unicorns, Invisible Beings, Peter Paul candies, or any song by the Carpenters).

My atheist brethren say that you will ignore this. I say if there is only one among you who will hear this news, only one soul saved from the Mines of Misery, then it is worthwhile to have annoyed the rest of you.

Her Holy Pinkness loves you. I love you. All Atheists love you, adore you, are simply head over heels fruity over you. That is, we are if you will accept Her Pinkness as your One True Unicorn. If you won't, if you continue to be angry at Her Pinkness, if you continue to defy Her, if you refuse to acknowledge the Hoof Shaped Hole in your heart, then we hate you, despise you, and will never, never be nice to you or give you half a Twix or even the time of day.

Yours in Her Pinkness, Taint Anthony the Astonished

She Shat for Your Sins!

Pink Truthiness - why you cannot delay acknowledging the IPU

I was very disturbed this morning after answering a technical question. The person thanked me and added "May God bless you".

Of course they think they are being nice, but they are in fact putting my immortal soul in danger. Her Holy Pinkness is a jealous sort. If She should happen to be reading that exchange and notices that I did not respond with righteous and vicious anger, She might very well decide to punish me!

I do not want to spend eternity crawling on my belly in the dark Mines of Misery!

Could this be a genuine Pink Hoof print? Scientists say no, but the Faithful believe none the less.

This is MY soul at risk, buddy!

We who have partaken of the Holy Pineapple and Ham Pizza are not required to witness our faith to the unbelievers and the worshippers of false gods. Her Holy Pinkness made that very clear when Obazekial the Third asked her if he should force the captured Cantinites to bend their knees in obeisance to Her Pinkness and she famously quipped "Who cares?"

We are, however, required to defend our faith, or at least that is my understanding of the Holy Hoofmarks. Yes, I know the story of the Ten Commandments as well as anyone, but it is my belief that all translations are in error. I am not going to waste my time going into the details of the ancient language here, but I will remind you that writing in clay tablets with Invisible Pink Hooves is clumsy work and it is therefore all too easy to get the wrong idea.

I have prayed on this, and while I did not speak to Her Pinkness directly, I feel that She did enter my heart and confirm that I am right: she is a jealous god who expects us to defend her honor, especially in these days when the Christians seem to get all the attention with their "Jesus loves you" guff.

Her Holy Pinkness may not love you, but you had better believe that Her Holy Hooves are sharp and THAT matters.

I really don't want to get trampled into a pile of bloody meat because YOU want to go around saying "May God Bless you".

Misidentified as mammoth footprints, these are actually impressions of Her Holy Hooves from thousands of years before the Bible!

Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MammothFootImpre...

"Never too late" is a lie

The Christians have quite the racket, don't they? You can do whatever you want your entire life but as long as you get around to begging Jesus for forgiveness before you die, you are fine.

If only that were true.

First, there is no Jesus. Remember that King Whassisface asked Her Holy Pinkness about Jesus at the Day of Seventeenth Slaughter as the Christian hordes were about to over run his castle gates and he was thinking about a quick conversion. He asked her outright and she said "Who?" as quick as that and disappeared in a puff of invisible pink smoke. King Whassisface's trampled bones are on display in the Christian Church at Witemount, so I think that alone ought to make the truth plain.

The fact is, if you've been evading your loan shark for six weeks and he catches you sneaking out the back door of the pub, he's not going to buy the "Oh, I have been looking for you" excuse and Her Pinkness isn't going to buy any last minute conversions either. When you hear her Holy Hooves a-galloping, it's too damn late: you are heading for the Mines of Misery. That's right after your Holy trampling, of course.

Don't bless me

I have no intention of cringing on the ground trying to reason with a homicidal Invisible Pink Unicorn. Even if we didn't have the Holy Hoofmarks to tell us, I think it's easy enough to see how that story ends.

I really could not care less about converting you. Sure, if you come to my house, I will offer you a slice of Pineapple and Ham and if the subject of Pink Truthiness interests you, we can talk about it - unless my wife tells me to keep quiet, which she sometimes does. In that case, we'll have to talk later because while the IPU's Holy Hooves are sharp and merciless, I don't mess with the missus either. I'm sure you understand.

Generally speaking, Her Pinkness is there for anyone to not quite see, so if you choose to ignore Her, well, it's not my belly that will be scraped raw crawling through the Mines of Misery, is it? That's your problem.

So don't make sharp Hooves my problem. Don't be blabbering about your Jesus or Allah or whatever god-thing is in favor this millenium. That crazy talk can land me in big trouble, especially in these days of stupid laws where I can't draw my sword and cut off your lying head. You are putting MY afterlife in danger and it's not right.

Apologies to Her Pinkness

If this worm has misread your Holy words, take mercy on me. I tire of having false gods bandied in front of my weary eyes while most of the world treats You as a joke. I know this is probably another one of your Trials and I hope that I have not failed the test.

Pink Truthiness is the only true Truthiness. Pineapple and Ham is the One True Pizza. Her Holiness has spoken and we must obey.

The Ten Commandments

The IPU shook her mane and stamped her feet impatiently. Her Holy Nostrils flared. "Any thing else?", she inquired of the Man who stood quivering in front of her.

"Um..". The Man was obviously nervous. He was not enjoying this conversation, and the IPU's growing impatience was not helping. "Um.., yes, we are, um, not..". The Man paused and then continued in a rush, "not supposed to covet our neighbor's wife!".

The IPU snorted loudly. "That's rich!", she bellowed. "Now THAT ought to be an easy one for you insatiable little monkey spawn. I'll just bet!", she chortled.

The Man shuffled his feet and stared at the ground. A small slug was crawling slowly through the leaves at his feet. The Man wished he could crawl off somewhere else.

But the IPU was not finished with her interrogation. "You have missed one. I believe you said there were ten commandments, and you have only told me nine. What is the tenth, insignificant turd?"

The Man swallowed hard. Hands clenched, he gritted his teeth and raised his head. He stared into the flashing eyes of the Holy IPU. "We are tmf nthr ds for em".

"WHAT!" The Holy IPU fixed the Man in her regal stare. "Speak up, you ugly pink ape!"

The Man's hands were shaking and his tongue could not work. He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. Finally, eyes winced against the inexorable results, he spoke: "We are to have no other gods before Him." He closed his eyes and waited for the Fiery Breath to consume him.

Nothing happened. Cautiously, the Man opened his eyes. The Holy IPU was simply standing in front of him, and actually she looked more amused than angry.

"No other gods?", she asked, "As in, no worshipping of the One True God, Her Incredible Pinkness? No worship of ME?

The Man again found the slug to be the focus of his concentration. Something about its slow progress through the field encouraged him. The slug would reach its destination, and he, the Man, would also survive this day. The Holy IPU would not reduce him to a pile of cinders to be blown away by the summer wind.

The IPU spoke again. "Where is this Mighty One who is so jealous of Me?", she asked. "Have you seen Him?"

The Man looked at her once again. "I have not, but Moses has. The Lord spoke to him from a burning bush."

"Cheap carnival trick", offered Her Pinkness. "I don't suppose you've seen any tangible evidence of this Dude's presence, then. How about intangibles? Healing of the sick, bountiful crops, that sort of thing? Actually, I thought the harvest was pretty poor this year. Shouldn't your Pal have prevented that?"

The Man's face plainly displayed anger. He was well aware of the IPU"s refusal to even listen to entreaties for assistance. She didn't care if his people lived or died, and made it well known. Pleas for assistance were greeted with nothing but insults and laughter, if they were even entertained at all.

"There has been sin."

The Holy IPU raised her eyebrows. "Sin? Oh, how handy. Let me guess: I bet there's been some coveting, and some bearing of false witness, and perhaps some harsh words by teenagers to their parents, so conveniently enough, your Invisible Pal doesn't have to shower you with bounty. How beautifully done: set you up for failure, then get you to blame yourselves. I love it!"

"God is not Invisible. God is everywhere!". The Man was sullen, but was also remembering a certain bit of coveting that he was guilty of. He hated to think that it might be his fault that the crops were bad, but..

The IPU shook her mane, and looked off across the field. "Go away, Man." She spoke softly, even kindly. Usually her words were caustic, full of sarcasm and disgust. But now she seemed almost tender. No fire was in her eyes, and her hooves were not pounding the earth. "Go away", she repeated. "Go and pray to your invisible friend. Chastize yourself, and praise him. Punish everyone who will not join you in your delusion. Feel good about that, and believe that your Make Believe Buddy will reward you for your cruelty. Take his commandments, and rule your life by their words. Do not question anything, do not use your pitiful mind; simply give yourself over to this pathetic dream."

The IPU now looked sad. "You know, in spite of the fact that you are all incredibly ugly and hopelessly stupid, I had some hope for you." She paused, and looked again at the Man who stood before her, still afraid, but now confused by her inexplicable reversal of attitude.

"Things could have been different", she said, and then vanished in a puff of Pinkness.

The Man stood alone in the field. The last rays of the sun lengthened his shadow to where the IPU had stood. The grass was even now straightening up from the imprint of her hooves, and soon there would be no remaining trace of her presence at all. The slug had managed to move an entire pace away from the Man's foot. He stepped forward, bent down, and popped it in his mouth.

Gods suck, he thought as he walked back to his village.

Why Pineapple and Ham is the One True Pizza

I like Pineapple and Ham pizza (also known as Hawaiian). That is the One True Pizza and all others are abominations.

The Pineapple and Ham is the Pizza that the Invisible Pink Unicorn said that we should eat. It is not blasphemy to eat something else, because the IPU does not insist that you follow Her advice, but She does have sharp Hooves and has been known to trample people by "accident" (Her words, not mine), so my feeling is "better safe than trampled", if you know what I mean.

By the way, you may think that it would be easy to dodge and weave as it is well known that the IPU is not the most nimble supernatural deity to ever create a universe and populate it with fawning subjects, but your assessment neglects the fact that She is Invisible.

I know it's not OBVIOUS that She is invisible. That's rather the whole point, isn't it? Not being obvious, I mean.

Could this be a genuine Pink Hoof print? Scientists say no, but the Faithful believe none the less.

I digress. Though I digress with reason. I know that Her Holy Snortings do not specifically say that you will spend eternity crawling on your belly in the Mines of Misery if you don't eat the right pizza, but if you'd rather give up the chance to ride your very own Camel Beast and get to wave your Flaming Sword, then please, go ahead and have your Pepperoni and Onion. You may think you are oh so clever, but you are not fooling Her Holiness.

Pineapple and Ham is not just the Right Pizza. It is the pizza of Communion, of Oneness, of Sharing.

Note how the steam rises from the succulent ham, how the juice of the pineapple nestles in the folds of the melted cheese. Raise a slice from the plate and inhale its glorious vapors before gently nibbling at the edge to taste its wonder.

Warning: risk of burning. In most cases reported, the burns were mild and subjects reported that the taste was worth the discomfort. Some serious damage to the tongue and the roof of the mouth has been reported. Users should be very careful of hot cheese especially.

Thin Crust Vs. Thick

Her Holy Snortings unfortunately neglect to specify which style is preferred. As we have asked, and asked again and again for clarification and all we have ever had as answer is the sound of Inaudible Invisible Pink Hooves galloping away, the question remains unresolved.

I prefer thin crust. But then again, I prefer a mixture of the Holy Cheddar and the Holy Romano for the cheese. My wife is of the same persuasion, though our infidel son-in-law accuses us of insanity in this regard.

I personally do not think the IPU cares which we eat. She has specified Pineapple and Ham and if anything else were important, we would have had a complete, detailed recipe and we wouldn't have had the tragic War of the Cheeses and there is little doubt that the Toppings Insurrection and the terrible loss of lives that accompanied that never would have happened.

There is no point lamenting this. It would not be fair to blame Her Holiness either, and not just because you risk the Mines of Misery! As many scholars have written, it cannot be easy to write anything with Invisible Hooves. We are lucky to have the Instructions we have. They may be short, confusing and sometimes seemingly contradictory, but we are lucky to have them at all.

Imagine if She had just galloped off, waving her Magnificent Tail and had left us nothing?

A moral dilemma

We have friends coming tomorrow night. My wife, being a person who wishes to please others, has asked them for their preference in pizza.

I understand. It is their choice to ignore Her Pinkness. It is not for me to force them to grovel at Her Hooves. They can order whatever pizza they wish.

But is it too much to ask that we have a little extra Pineapple and Ham? I won't preach, I will say nothing of Camel Beasts and Flaming Swords, but is it so wrong for me to offer a slice of the One True Pizza?

Is it wrong to give them a chance at Eternal Bliss? If they refuse, so be it. But if I never offer, will I ride my Camel Beast with True Joy or will I think of them, clawing at the dark rocks in the Mines of Misery?

I say order an extra Pineapple and Ham. It can't hurt.

And pick up a six pack of Corona, too, would you mind? I'm sure there's something in the Snortings that favors that.