Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Holy Spam, Book III

o Ruth, daughter of Jesus, ruled for sixty years. Her wisdom was praised, and the people prospered. She taught them the use of the spear, and the bow, and much game was caught and the people were fat.

o Ruth taught rotation of crops, and the harvest was bountiful, and the people praised Ruth and prayed for her soul.

o Ruth taught the washing of hands, and not to defecate upstream, and full cooking of pork, and the people were healthy and praised Ruth and prayed for her soul.

o Ruth taught the virtue of Law, and trial by a jury of peers, and sat as judge, and her fairness was praised, and the people prayed for her soul.

o In her sixtieth year of rule, Ruth taught the people that women should not be beaten, and were equal to men in the eyes of the Moon Goddess.

o And the people prayed for her soul, and stoned her, and tore her body asunder, and left the scraps for the dogs.

o Then Paul went out into the wilderness, and the Holy IPU was there, and Paul fell to his knees and was blinded by her Pinkness.

o The Holy IPU spake unto Paul. "Man, go away. I blow my nose on a dung heap, come back four billion years later, and the place is crawling with you horrid, ugly things. I have not the slightest interest in you or anything you do, and the sooner you catch on, the better off you will be. Now go away."

o And Paul went away, and he slept, and he dreamt, and in his dream Invisible Pal came to him in a burning bush, and promised him much power and riches, and free choice of comely women, if Paul would lead his people into the promised land.

o And in the dream, Invisible Pal gave Paul one hundred rules that the people must follow, and two hundred rituals that they must practice every day, and promised again that Paul could have whatever women he would choose.

o And Paul awoke, and thought upon his dream, and could not remember the hundred rules, nor the two hundred rituals, but he kneweth that he should lead his people through the wilderness, and he kneweth that he would get his choice of women.

o And Paul thought briefly of the IPU, but decided he would know her not, and he took up some clay tablets and inscribed upon the clay everything that he could remember that Ruth had said, but not the heresy concerning women, and he baked the tablets and brought them back unto the people and proclaimed that Invisible Pal had given him the tablets upon a high mountain, and had threatened the people with locusts and floods, and the people listened, and were awed, and groveled most virtuously, and the women looked upon Paul as marked by Invisible Pal, and wished to be closer to him.

o Paul led his people into the wilderness, and after many days of travel they came unto the land of the Balthazites. And the land was fair, the fruit grew heavy upon the trees, and the forest abounded with animals, and the Balthazites were friendly unto Paul's people, and welcomed them, and bade them welcome, and to share in their food and thir plenty.

o But the Balthazites knew not Invisible Pal, and knew not the Moon Goddess, and knew not the Sun God, and laughed at Paul when he made Invisible Pal known unto them.

o And Paul warned them of the locusts and the floods, and other dire consequences, but the Balthazites said to Paul that they had survived locusts, and had survived floods, and did not need an Invisible Pal.

o So Paul drew up his army, and he slew the Balthazites, slew their warriors, slew their women, slew their maidens, and slew every child in its crib and every dog on its leash.

o And the people rejoiced, for they saw the power of Invisible Pal, and knew that it was good, and just, and that the Balthazites would not be tormented by locusts and floods.

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